*Deep Breath*

Today I will do something that I have never done before.  Something that, quite frankly, goes against everything that I have always believed in. 

I am going to call our mortgage company and stop paying our mortgage.  Not on the house that we live in, but in the house that we used to live in.  The house that, before the real estate market tanked, we always thought of as part of our retirement fund and our children's college fund.  I cannot fathom not paying our obligation, however the bottom line is that we can't afford to make those payments.  We've tried to talk with the mortgage company and to modify the mortgage.  Since we don't live in the house, we can't modify our mortgage.  Mortgage modifications are only for primary residences.  They don't care that we've tried to sell it.  They don't care that our mortgage payments are $500 per month MORE than we're getting in rent.

We're just out of options on it.  I am extremely conflicted about what we're about to do.  We've crunched the numbers every way we can imagine.  We've looked at the market, our checking account, and the money that we have coming in each month.  There's just no way to do it.

Pinching pennies, hidden benefits

Pinching the pennies, for the most part, is not fun.  My husband and I came to the decision that, while we're going to try to hold on for as long as we can, we have to let go of some of the stress and just know that we've done all that we can to stay afloat.  

Which brings us to yesterday- we had the cable turned off.  We anticipated a riot from the children.  The oldest (who I thought would storm off in a door slamming huff) was fine.  The youngest was just concerned that he wouldn't be able to watch sports.  We reminded him that his grandparents had TV, and if there was a game he wanted to watch, he could always go over there.

At which point he got up, dried his tears, went and got the Rummikub game and proceeded to beat me.  I didn't even let him win.  He then built a Bionicles from a kit that had been sitting in the house for a while, and then he went to karate.  When we got home, we finished up dinner, dessert and bedtime breakfast.    Then books and to bed. 

The whole house was peaceful and relaxed. 

I'm not going to miss the TV, if every day is as nice as this one was. 

Just...

 over it.  I'm just over it.  I have to write to process some of this, but I don't even know where to start.  Or where it will end.  The house + the house= the houses.  We can't afford one of them, much less both of them.  We can't sell the other one, so it's rented out but the rent doesn't even cover the cost of the mortgage.   I haven't had a damn closing in over a year, so I went to work for the school system last year to make a little (very little) money, but mostly so that we would be able to get some health insurance.  Mike is working as hard as he can, and we're just trying to make ends meet.  I just cashed out the last of my life insurance a few months ago, so that we could try to keep going.  We're out.  Out of money, out of energy.  So tired of trying, and spinning my wheels, and not getting anywhere. Just trying to hold it all together.  And failing.  Jensen asked me a couple of days ago, "Are we going to lose our house?"  All I could say was, "I hope not.  We're trying."  What a kick in the gut from a 7 year old, who is wise beyond his years, and worried about things he shouldn't have to worry about.  We can't modify the loan on our old house, because we don't live in it.  We can't modify the loan on our current home because we refinanced it last year to get a better interest rate, and the loan had to be originated before January 2009.  Ours was originated February 6th, 2009.  I keep trying to put my faith and trust out there, and hope that everything will work out.  I just don't see how it can.  I'm just stuck.  Tired.  Sad.  Stressed.  Over it.  Out of money, out of energy, and out of hope.