Between a rock and a hard place.

My grandmother is 99, and things have been going down hill for her pretty steadily.

She went to the hospital last week for an irregular heartbeat, and it became clear that we had to go to help her.

She has been living in a retirement community for almost 20 years. She had a nice little 1 bedroom apartment, but she couldn't do it any more. I flew back east with my parents to help them assess the situation this week.

My mother and I packed up her apartment, and made her new "home" as comfortable as possible. Her home is basically a hospital room.

Her 100th birthday is in the beginning of November, and she's determined to make it, because she's summoned the entire family to help her celebrate 100 years of life. My grandmother, a vivacious and independent woman, can no longer do anything for herself. She can't stand, she can't eat, she can't drink, she can't go to the bathroom alone.

I want her to live. I want to celebrate her 100th birthday with the biggest damn party she's ever seen. My selfishness is not wanting to give her up.

She's had a great run, but I think that there's got to be a tipping point. She's outlived two of her children, her husband, and a boyfriend that I think was truly the love of her life. All of her friends are dead.

So I have to reassess, and rewrite.

I want her to live, but on her terms, not having to ask to be fed, bathed, changed, or dressed. I want her to be happy, and she's clearly not. So if she's ready, if she's truly done, then I have to love her enough to let her go, if that's what she wants.